Heart as Cold as Snow
by princessblair
Summary: It was their refuge and this is their story. A/U


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Everything belongs to the brilliant JK Rowling.

* * *

I was rubbing my hands rather violently, desperately trying to create some semblance of warmth through the action. A snow storm has been predicted for today, but despite the conditions, I was still here trying to find someone.

I saw some muggles trying to rush shopping in order to get home; after all they had a weather channel that probably told them this would happen. I took a cautionary glace to my left, I noticed some children building a snowman without any care in the world, laughing like it's the most natural thing. They were interrupted by probably their mother as she ushered them inside their house fearing that the snow would harm her children. 'I should probably get inside somewhere warm too.' I thought. But I quickly chided myself. _'No matter, I would never miss this for the world.'_

I checked my watch out of impulse. _9:38. _He is 8 minutes late as usual. I busied myself by glancing around the town's little shops; across the street there was a wonderfully warm tea shop. 'MAGNIFIQUE' was beautifully scrolled across the banner of the store it created an ambience of comfort and warmth amidst the contrasting cold weather outside. I briefly wondered if I should have just asked him to meet me there rather than freezing outside like what I am doing right now.

Looking wildly around at the same time trying to create friction for heat, I spotted a familiar figure. I made a beeline towards him calling his name.

"Harry!" I said rather breathless as I was already at the verge of hyperthermia. I thought to put some warming charms onto myself but the thought was pushed away by the arrival of my best friend.

"Hermione! Y-your lips! They're blue!" Harry panicked. I quickly dragged him to an ally, beside the teashop which was void of any people. It was wet and slippery, so I grabbed Harry's arms as support in case I slip.

"I'm fine, you worry wart. Let's just leave." Upon cue, I side-apparated harry with me to a rather small cottage near a frozen lake. It was picturesque with snow almost covering the roof of the home and smoke coming out from the chimney. This is our escape.

It is aptly named 'River Nest' by the old couple we bought it from. They had moved away from the rural to be with their kids more on their last remaining days.

Harry grasped my shivering hands and led me to our home. He pushed the small wooden gate aside and opened the door for me.

"After you, milady" He bowed playfully. I stifled a small chuckle and entered the home.

"You are too kind, milord" I teased while bowing back to him. I stare at his beautiful green eyes that were now full of mirth and joy- thinking back it used to hold so much sadness.

"Come on you, let's get you warm and I'll make some of my badass hot choco" he announced. I squealed; something I would so vehemently deny if someone asks me about it, when he swept me off my feet and plopped me over on our over-sized couches. He swept the room in a fast stride, something probably not difficult for him to do; given that he almost has inhuman agility which he learned over the years. He enveloped me in a warm hug _(I swear Harry's hugs are the best)_ and left a thick quilt to replace his warmth.

I tried to find a spot that was comfortable for me. I smile softly whenever I hear Harry swearing whenever he drops a pan or two while looking for the kettle. Begrudgingly, the 3rd time he dropped something, I treaded my tired feet towards the kitchen to help the poor man who is currently murdering my pots.

"Harry, it's over here." I said with amusement dancing in my eyes. He whipped his head towards me and turned red with embarrassment. He murmured a small thank you and proceeded to fill it with water. I decided to stay with him and made my way towards a small table with two chairs opposite each other.

I was unable to hold back a giggle _(another thing I will deny, if asked)_ when I hear him swore under his breath when a box of cereal dropped on his foot.

"Oh dear, what will you be without me?" I laughed and grabbed the bottle of powdered chocolate I had bought. I handed it over to him with a smile but it disappeared the moment our eyes met.

"Absolutely hopeless." He breathed with all seriousness in his face and adoration in his eyes. My heart thumps so loudly in my chest; I can almost swear Harry hears it too. Whatever reply I had on my mind quickly flew off the window as his soft warm lips met mine in a familiar kiss.

He flashed me a brilliant smile and took the chocolate out of my hands as the kettle screamed for attention.

He set the mugs on the table as he guided me gently to the chair. We drank our chocolates in comfortable silence. Before I let my thoughts wander, Harry grabbed my hand that was clutching my mug.

"Hermione, you're agitated." He stated. I was taken aback by his accusation- it was directed in a manner that it wasn't a question but an observation. I opened my mouth to retort but he interrupted me with a pointed glance.

"What's wrong?" He asked me looking very concerned. I was about to lie and say everything is fine but everything might as well be futile as I was talking to a man that has probably known me longer than I have known myself.

"I-I'm not sure I should tell you." I begin testing his reaction by looking in his eyes. Truth be told i wasn't even aware that I was acting that way. I had been so careful and guarded. I should not have even let him worry over this.

"Well is it about work, then?" He asked warily. I shook my head to slowly, contemplating if should lie or not.

'He will probably know you're lying the moment you open your mouth' I chided myself. He frowned upon sensing my hesitation. My heart fluttered a bit as I had always thought his frown was cute (of course he would hotly thwart it, no man wants to be called cute anyway).

I brushed his hair back a bit to reveal his scar and lightly hovered my fingers over it, "Harry, I'm scared." Tears pour as I admitted this, our cheerful mood completely destroyed. Harry gingerly took my hand as if understanding my need to be close to him and pressed it on his cheeks.

"Mmm, my 'Mione" He all but moaned. He let out a puff of breath into my curled hands that he was holding.

"You have nothing to be afraid of. I'm here." As he caressed my hand, more tears poured out.

"Will you promise me, Harry? Promise me that no matter what we'll go through this?" I said so softly as if afraid someone might hear me. He looked me straight in my eyes, once again. The act itself was assurance enough for me.

"If you told me to die right now, I'd do it without flinching." He replied. He stood up from his seat, our now cold drinks forgotten. He picked me up like how a husband would playfully do to his wife as he led me to our bedroom. I hugged him tightly._ Closer_. I need to be _closer_. As I dig myself further on to his chest, his smell is nothing I've never smelt before. It is reminiscent of Harry. _Just harry_.

He plopped me on the mattress and laughed when he saw i had a proper pout from the fall I suffered. This man I had grown to love from the moment he was boy. He would always find ways to make me smile and ease away my tensions.

"Hermione…" He drawled out while kissing my neck just above the pulse point. He knows it's my soft spot.

"H-Harry…" I replied, not trusting my voice to be calm enough.

"I love you so much." He said so candidly. I smiled, thanking whoever god was responsible for this.

"I love you so much more..."

* * *

I visit _River Nest _the second time this week. People always say that if you lose someone important to you, it will heal over time. And over time the pain will go away. _"Bullshit_." I murmured to myself.

No one is with me this time as I admired the scenery in front of me. It was almost the same that day only the chimney didn't have smoke coming out. It was almost the same. _Almost. _

I pushed the small wooden gate aside to make my way at the same time fumbling through my pockets for the keys that would open the house. No this is not a house- it was _our home. _

The interior was pretty much the same as well save for it was missing warmth and the occasional dust that was littered throughout the house.

After I was done looking around I grabbed a piece of cloth and wiped away all the dust that was covering the furniture. '_Our furniture_' I corrected. It had to be clean. I knew in my heart this is what that person would have wanted.

_That person._

I hadn't gotten around in saying the name for now. 2 years had passed since the—incident, what my friends would call it. They thought that I wasn't able to say the name because I hated it. _'No. I could never hate such a perfect name'. _I didn't realize that tears had leaked from my eyes; aware that I am, still I could not stop them.

'_I do not deserve to say the name'_ I blinked back my tears and reminded myself that I needed to clean the home. I checked my watch instinctively. "9:31" I read aloud. It was around this time that we would meet up every Mondays and apparate here. This small cottage had been our refuge for almost 5 years. After the war, we thought that of all that we've been through, a small piece of heaven that was only for us would be alright.

I remember telling _her _then that I would never hurt her. I snickered to myself as that thought passes my mind. I gripped the cloth tightly, as tight as what my chest feels like right now. The tears that I so vehemently tried to stop before were like a dam that was finally freed.

'_Oh god, I promised her I would never hurt her.' _I kept chanting to myself over and over again as if it was my own self-imposed crucio. The pain never left me even after 2 years; I am yearning for her even more. More each day and even more each night. I recall that night, she looked so scared. Maybe she knew in her heart that I would hurt her. No. _No._

I stood up, unbeknown to me, in my stupor I had knelt down in front of our over large couches. She had chosen them herself. 'Comfort over style, Harry' I remember she told me that in her bossy but adorable voice. I dragged my feet towards it and had a seat. Thinking back, I always had taken _her_ for granted. Another round of fresh rolls of tears makes its way to my cheeks.

"_Harry—Harry…" She cooed in her sweet voice. I knew in my mind she wants something, that voice only means one thing. I laughed and spared her a glance with my eyebrows raised, almost teasing her in a way._

"_Harry, I want to know; would you ever leave Ginny for me?" She cautiously asked. I sighed, the mood disappeared completely. I knew she wanted something- but this… I cannot do this._

"_Would you leave Ron for me?" I sharply replied almost accusingly. I can almost feel her tense up; upon her reaction I almost started a new wave of argument. Almost. I hear a sound that I never want to hear in my life – her sobs that violently shook her body almost instantly after I crossed her._

"_In a heartbeat, Harry. But you have to understand I want an assurance from you. Assurance that you won't leave me hanging mid-air." She whispered._

_By god she might be crying but she was so beautiful with her face flushed and the nose red._

"_Hermione, Ginny… You see Ginny is ah… I really don't know how to explain."_

"_I will never understand unless you help me try."_

"_As hurtful as this sounds Ginny is a front. 'Mione- I don't love her. I love you. You have to understand." I explained. She hurriedly wiped her tears and nodded her head. _

"_I'm sorry Harry; I don't know what has gotten over me." She lowered her head in shame but I lifted her chin and kissed her soundly. It was an assurance._

"_Don't worry about it" I smiled._

As I shake my head to forget that memory I now remember how much of a jerk I was that day. It was a memory I would rather not think about but for the life of me it was one of the last memories of her I had.

I walked to the kitchen to make hot _chocolates_. I always knew where she hid the chocolate and the kettle; but it was adorable to hear her giggle each time she would realize I couldn't find them. I would always tease her about her giggling and it always lead to a smack on my head. I smiled of my fond memory. I grabbed the kettle and filled it with water and set it to the stove. I made my way to the 2-seater table that was shoved to the corner of the kitchen where we always ate. _She had eaten here_. I swallowed back my tears once more when I heard the kettle whistling madly.

I spot the chocolate powder that she always buys and made two cups of choco—one for her and one for me. The nostalgic feeling along with the feeling of emptiness prompted more memories from the past that I had so desperately tried to keep a bay.

"_I love you so much…" I told her as I was kissing her neck in our bedroom. She had been shaking a while ago, but upon hearing those words she was instantly calm._

"_I love you so much more…" She had replied._

Back then I wouldn't have had noticed what difference those words were. I wouldn't even think about it ever again if she was still beside me. But now…

I knew the gravity of those words. It was true. It was completely and utterly true. She had loved me much more than I loved her back then. I realize that now. I have never seen it at all. I was too blinded by…

_I don't know._

Ginny wasn't the reason. The moment I broke up with Ginny, she had simply just nodded and talked to me like normal friends would do. _Like she understood already._ I asked her why… why she would be okay with it.

"I suppose I was too blinded by my one-sided love that I held you longer than I should have. This was bound to happen anyway; and to be honest I really just want to move on." Ginny explained as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

And I cried. I cried because then I would've lost her in vain, just because I was a coward and I was too comfortable. Just like I am now.

I had found out that upon reaching the first year Hermione and I were meeting secretly that she and Ron had already broken up. Of course I never knew. I only found out 4 years after. I thought that it was common knowledge to tell the person you're having an _affair_ with that you've broken up with your boyfriend. Whatever her reasons, I would never blame her; I wasn't exactly the epitome of values and morals.

"_Hey mate." Ron trudged his way to the booth where I was currently sitting sipping my beer. I waved my hand slightly to acknowledge his presence; our encounter is anything but comfortable. It was evidently etched in our actions, our once easy friendship now turned tense and dreary. Tense because we had fallen apart. Dreary because—No. I stopped myself. I wouldn't think of that now._

"_I—how are you doing?" I politely asked him. I didn't know how to go on over our conversation; awkwardness was thick in the air. The red-haired man smiled knowingly as if sensing my discomfort._

"_Harry we're past pleasantries. I invited you here not to ask how you day was going. I called you here to explain…" I stopped his tirade with my hand._

"_You don't need to explain, actually I'm the one who has explaining to do—"_

_He returned the favor by stopping me midway of my sentence._

"_Harry, we've known for 7 years you've been in love with each other. We've known for 5 years that you we're having an 'affair'." He raised his hands making a quote sign to emphasize it. Confused, I start to begin talking but was once again stopped._

"_Harry it's your turn to know now. Hermione and I—We haven't been dating for 4 years already. Now I know you're conf—"_

"_WHAT?!" I stood up, shocked and mildly angry that something this big has only been revealed now. I needed explanation. _

"_Ah geez, she was right. Well you see Hermione told me not to tell you that we broke up. Said she'll tell you herself but I don't think she got around into doing so…"_

_I could only stare blankly at him as he explained how he had always known she belonged to me._

_She belonged to me._

_She belonged to me._

"She belonged to me" I repeated my heart aching as I repeat those words Ron had said to me that night. He didn't look like a man who has lost his girlfriend but rather a man who has finally accepted.

"It was always just me." I thought aloud. It was always just me who had hindered our relationship. I was too afraid of losing my friends and my family and I subconsciously chose them over Hermione. But in reality… I didn't have to pick… Ginny, she understood from the start albeit she didn't break up with me in her terms but she had understood. Ron, he wasn't even in the picture for so long, he wasn't even bothered anymore when I had confronted him about it. It was me.

Feeling upset and thoroughly depressed I stormed out of the house and made my way to the back yard. When Hermione would still go here she would plant flowers around the perimeter of the home. I made my way to an uneven patch of grass that is now covered in snow and knelt beside it.

I try to recall the day as much as I can. It is my self-imposed torture.

'_Mr. Harry Potter?' the man on the phone warily asked. I had bought a cell phone at Hermione's request, about a year ago stating that it might be needed in emergencies._

'_Yes? Who's this? I curtly replied. I never gave away my number; apart from Hermione. Well the main reason would that other magical folks would have no use of phones. _

'_This is from the police station—Hermione Granger… Sir, is this name familiar to you?' I almost dropped my cell phone when I heard her name. My heart stops beating._

'_Yes' I breathlessly replied._

'_Sir she has been in an accident she is in the hospital as we speak.' _

_I didn't need to be told twice I got up and left as soon as he uttered those words._

"Harry, what are you doing out here? You'll get cold, dear."

I felt a warm hand touch my shoulders as I was reeling from the memory. I half turned to look at her, just for acknowledgement because I'd know that voice anywhere.

"I'm sorry I just need time to think about the past. I can't—"I breathed deeply.

"What are you doing here, Gin?" I asked her. Once again giving her a half glace.

"I need to make sure you're okay and that… you're ready. Ron, mom… Minerva asked me to check on you, they're really worried. It's almost as if, we both lost you." She peered up my profile as if to read me with a slight frown on her lips.

"I need to remember in order for me to forgive myself and in order for me to be brave enough to be happy." I said, the raw pain of remembering her being in pain is enough for my voice to quiver.

She left without saying a word and I was thankful that she understands as always. Ginny had followed me today to make sure I won't lose it this time.

* * *

I would always regret the day that I hurt Hermione. It was the day after the snow storm just before we woke up. The muggle paper that we ordered had said that we should expect a sunny morning. A cold sunny morning, though. I woke up and got dressed. As I hadn't felt her presence, I looked around the cottage. I saw here sitting by the window in deep thought and symbolically stroking her flat belly.

"_Hey 'Mione, what's wrong?" I asked her once again; as I joined her by the window looking outside the thick white snow. True to the paper's words there is a sun outside._

"_Harry, I have to tell you something." She whispered with her back against me while I was hugging her from behind. She had nuzzled her head further into my neck as if seeking warmth._

_I kissed her neck as a sign for her to continue._

"_Harry… I'm.. I'm pregnant." She turned around to gauge my mood. I froze on the spot dropping my arms from her body. My eyes we're probably as wide as saucers._

Thinking back, she had looked so scared of my reaction. I was too shocked to move, then. Too angry.

"_What? So I guess congratulations are in order" I spat at her, when I got back to my senses. I had looked at her with full of disgust and contempt—something she doesn't deserve._

"_You came here and sleep with me while carrying another man's baby?! Jesus Hermione I would think the brightest witch of her age would have enough brain cells not to do indecent behavior." She had tried to grab my arm but I had forcefully shrugged it off._

_I stormed out the cottage grabbing my wand and keys while she was hot on my tail._

"_Harry! Wait! No! You don't understand… the baby, it's yours!" She cried. I spun so quickly I'm pretty sure the air crackled at that point. She had looked so broken and dejected. Almost as if her spirit was completely crushed._

"_You don't expect me to believe that, would you? You spend 365 days with the man; you spend 1 day a week with me. Think Hermione." I couldn't stand to wait for her answer so with that I apparated away._

I had never forgiven myself for everything that I had done that day. The pain never ceases but instead it grows every day. I so often find myself in deep thought. Always out of it… no real thought process; just a bunch of memories patched together.

Needless to say I have been a wreck since the accident. I barely ate. I didn't talk to anyone except for the time that I needed closure from Ginny and Ron. I had holed myself up in the cottage where we used to be so happy in.

Of course the two siblings found me and dragged me out of the house. They had said it would be disrespectful to Hermione for me to be dirtying it being a slob. I guess that was meant to be a joke but I hadn't had the energy to notice.

The day that he had an accident I hadn't even thought to contact her. I couldn't care less about her at that time. She had a miscarriage and since she was living alone, she was basically left for dead. The toxin from the fetus had cause her body to be poisoned. It was after a day she was finally brought to the hospital, but she hadn't last long anyway. When I had arrived at the hospital, her lips were bluer than the day I had found her in front of the teashop.

The last time I had seen her eyes open was when she was crying begging me to come back. I remember telling her the night before that she had nothing to be afraid of. God, I was so wrong. She might've known what I would've done and she was afraid of that. The oblivious me even comforted her about it, but boy, I didn't know I'd be the one ripping her apart and basically stepping on her heart.

I transfigured a piece of paper to a flower and laid it on Hermione's gravestone. The sun is about to set and it was a beautiful red-orange hue. Hermione, if she was still alive she would've loved this. She had specifically requested that if she died, she wanted to be near her beautiful garden. The baby *Our* baby was buried beside her as well. Most days I can't even get up from here.

This is where my family is. The family I had turned my back on.

I wiped away my tears and glanced at my watch. It was now 5 pm. _It is time._ I thought.

I pulled out a familiar necklace from my neck that was hidden from my coat. It was a gift from Minerva. She had said _just in case_.

It was a time turner. I'd know it even from a far. It was a chance.

And I was going to grab it.


End file.
